Jessica is your average teenager with a not so average responsibility, a son. From how she dealt with the news to raising a child, we dive into the trials and tribulations faced by a young mother.
Jessica ( an alias to protect her identity) is a Singapore Management University (SMU) student and also a single mother of one. Supporting not only herself but also her 3-year-old son, the 20-year-old student juggles between her studies, social life and also raising her son as a single teenage mother. Facing emotional stress, social condemnation and financial worries, she was willing to do whatever it takes, as the love for her son was enough to keep her going.
For the past three years, Jessica endured multiple challenges and managed to get accepted into a local University while raising a three-old-year child as a single teenage mother. She is not alone, as there were 332 cases of teenage pregnancies below the age of 19 in Singapore in the year 2016.
At 17, Jessica, a Junior College freshman had no clue about what caused her constant binging and drastic mood swings. Jessica believed her big appetite was just part of growing up, she realised she was binging at almost every meal and her weight was gradually increasing. She did not think much of it until she noticed a sudden pause in her menstruation cycle.
At this point, she started to anticipate the worst as the fear of what skipping a period meant creeped in. To ensure it is not what she actually thought, her boyfriend bought her a pregnancy test kit and that was when she found out why her eating habits changed drastically. The results of the pregnancy test was when she found out that she was not just eating for one, but for two.
That was when Jessica knew she had to make a decision. To abort the baby or to keep it.
“I told him (Jessica’s boyfriend) I was going to get an abortion because I have school and I wanted to keep it from my parents. After that he convinced me not to, and told me that he would find a job to support us.” said, Jessica
Her Big Secret
This was when Jessica’s “normal teenage life” came to a halt. Jessica hid the pregnancy for months, she continued attending her classes and even did Physical Education classes to avoid suspicion.
By the sixth month, her tummy was growing bigger, she knew hiding it was inevitable. She had to tell her mother.
Expecting the worst, she was ready to be yelled at, reprimanded and worst case, disowned. But none of that happened. Even though Jessica expressed that both her parents were visibly disappointed, her mother helped to planned with her on the child’s education fees and future.
“I'm really lucky to have supportive parents, they were not yelling at me or anything. They really talk to me about the different plans and everything.” she continued.
Her own education had to take a pause and she was worried about how she was going to get through school while carrying a baby in her womb. But at the time of helplessness, her school came to her rescue.
She credited the school and school principal as an encouragement. “The school gave me a chance. My principal was really nice to allow me to watch the lectures and do my work at home.”
While studying for her A-levels, her mother had to head over to the Junior College to collect and submit the homework for her. “It felt like I was being homeschooled.” said Jessica.
Jessica revealed she had many negative thoughts such as committing suicide during her pregnancy, “It was actually a very difficult time for me.”
“Now when I think back, it was not that hard. but at that moment, it was too much for me to take in. There were so many times that I wanted to give up.”
Acceptance
Even though the school staff and family were supportive, that could not be the same for her some. When she had to tell them about it, the expected judgment came in rather quickly. Jessica said: “In words, they would say things like “Oh wow, you are so mature and things like such a responsible person, you really grew up!” it was all but empty words because the judgment could be felt from their gazes and tone.
The worst was when one of her aunts just flat out targeted her,“You ruined your whole life like that.” She recalls.
Jessica, however, is seeing this in a positive light, as she credits her family members such as her grand-auntie for taking care of the child when she was occupied with school activities such as her involvement in Mixed Martial Arts. “But I feel like I really grew as a person, like throughout all this. I felt really sad about disappointing them but then in the end it really helped us to bond because we had to go through so much.”
During her pregnancy, Jessica made a visit to Thomson Medical and it was a life-changing moment, it was the first time she heard her child’s heartbeat. “When I went for the ultrasound and heard the baby’s heartbeat I knew for sure I wasn’t going to abort the baby anymore,” said Jessica. “I scold myself for even thinking about aborting him.”
The ultrasound was a life-changing moment for Jessica and it was an unforgettable one for her mother when they both saw the ultrasound. “I knew from her face that she was going to support me through everything, said Jessica.
A Better Tomorrow Jessica’s journey with her son was not an easy one, especially when it came to dealing with how her former boyfriend was responding to the whole situation. When Jessica came forward to him about her pregnancy, he promised her to be there to support her and the child all the way with the promise of contributing SGD $2,000 a month financially to the child’s growth. “My ex told me that it wouldn’t be that bad, but I didn’t believe him.” Over time, things got tougher and Jessica’s tummy got bigger, and her former boyfriend still kept promising to support them financially, however, he never lived up to those promises and procrastinated when it came to actually doing it. Jessica later found out that his parents were not even aware about her pregnancy, or even the baby.
“It shocked me to realise that my ex’s parents didn’t even know about the whole situation. I found this out only because my dad called his dad with regards to this and it turned out that my ex didn’t even say a word about his child to them.” The final straw came after her former boyfriend asked Jessica for sex just days before she was due to deliver her child. That was the deal breaker for her, especially since he was not really there to support her through the pregnancy. Eventually, Jessica broke it off with him after a series of inconsiderate acts by him in attempts to run away from his responsibilities as a father. This decision was not an easy one for her to go through with it either. To her, her cutting him out of their lives was the biggest sacrifice she has made for her son throughout her entire journey. “The biggest sacrifice I’ve made was my ex. I feel that I sacrificed the love for my ex, for the love I have for my son. I love my son and I don’t want him to be like his dad. I don’t want him to have a bad influence in his life. I want him to be responsible and a decent human being.”
“Sometimes, I still wonder if I should have forgiven him, because now my son doesn’t have a father.”
But having Alex was what she described ‘a blessing in disguise. Jessica’s mother battled with Schizophrenia when Jessica was a teenager. This mental health condition causes her mother to hallucinate about celebrities being at their home, and even about Jessica’s father.
“Her mental health became so much better after my son’s birth. When you look at my mum now, it’s hard to tell that she once struggled with a mental illness.”
Jessica’s son became the missing puzzle piece in this broken family. As Jessica’s parents were divorced, his birth was the thing that stitched them back together.
“I feel that his birth brought my parents together. Maybe not as a married couple, but they worked together to support my child.”
After giving birth, the challenges that came along with it were expected and unexpected.
Initially, she really feared the financial issues that she might have faced because of usually how expensive raising a child is in Singapore.
Even with different schemes such as the Single Mother scheme, things were going to be difficult between juggling so many responsibilities. However, as she continued to raise her child, she learnt how to better manage her finances and tasks such as spending half of her allowance to the child’s milk powder, diapers and food and hid in school toilets to pump out breast milk during her break so that she could feed him when she got home.
The second issue which she is constantly learning to overcome is the hardships with raising a child. “I had no idea how to take care of the child. I was afraid he would drown or something when I bathe him, it’s scary cause I’m so inexperienced and I had to do everything myself.” she explained.
At a tender age, she also wishes to pay back the loan she took from the bank for her University education fees. With the assistance of government-funding financial schemes helping Single Mothers like Jessica herself, the young university student hopes to give back by contributing to society by donating to charity.
Like most 20-year-olds, Jessica wonders about her future and how single mothers deserve a second chance at love too. She said: “I want a relationship but I also don’t want a relationship.”
She wonders if dating is even possible when she has a child of her own and wonders if any boy will be willing to accept this and even so, she has to reflect on social discrimination both parties will be facing. To her, it seems a difficult feat to overcome.
However, Jessica’s biggest goal in life is to raise her son well. “I hope he will become a useful person and not like his Dad,” she laughs, “My son must be responsible...he must have discipline, willpower - these are some values that I hold close to my heart.”
As she continues to raise her beloved child, her doubts and worries from the past diminishes. Her once thought burden was now the very rock that keeps her in place.
“After having him it changed me. It changed my attitude towards children, that's why he is my happy pill. Is like after a very hard day at school and when i'm going to cry soon, I see him and I feel at peace”.
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