by Denoga Inigo Alfonso Aguado
Threats, lies and low blows are what some parents turn to when they're ashamed of their teen daughters that get pregnant.
On his little feet, he runs to the one closest to his heart, the one who brought him into this world. “Your sister” are what his “parents” refer to her as, but full sentences are something he hasn’t learned to grasp quite yet, and he can’t protest.
In conservative Singapore where teen mums are still often frowned upon or talked about behind closed doors, some families have turned to lies and secrecy to avoid losing face.
Ms Atiqa (not her real name) has a 3-year-old son with a whole host of lies ready to be fed to him by her parents when he grows up, who have expressed their disapproval of her raising her own son.
Her parents have forced her to raise her son under their conditions only, where he must never know who his real mother is, otherwise she’d be kicked out of their house to fend for herself with her son on her own without their support.
Her son will live alongside his relatives, coming to know them as his “older siblings” and his biological mother will be known as his “older sister”. Meanwhile, he will grow up knowing his grandparents as his mother and father. He must never see or get to know his biological father according to their terms. Those are the rules that she and her son must live by for the foreseeable future, according to them.
From the beginning, her mother began to notice changes in the way Atiqa was behaving, as her food cravings and period cycle began to stray too out of the norm for her liking. It was then when her mother made her take a pregnancy test in early 2016.
Her mother knew by then that she had a boyfriend, which she and Atiqa’s father resented. Atiqa was a bit afraid of becoming pregnant, but was also hopeful that having a baby would make her parents stop resenting her boyfriend over their newfound love for it.
Her pregnancy test turned out positive.
As soon as she found out, she informed her boyfriend, and after much deliberation they decided to keep it. She thought that since she was already pregnant, from there she wanted to carry the baby to full-term.
Both her parents were enraged. Her father expressed his desire for her to abort the child, but Atiqa found out it was against the law for her father to coerce her into such a decision and kept to her original decision.
She was now barred from seeing her boyfriend at all, who was her only support then.
A High Strung School Semester
With her first semester of school incoming, Atiqa had a plan: finish her course in polytechnic, get a job and move out to support and raise her family under her own terms.
As time passed through her months in school, her baby bump grew increasingly difficult to hide.
“When I got to the second trimester, I had to start wearing baggier clothes, and that made my classmates speculate I was pregnant. But even the baggiest of clothes couldn’t hide the bump very well.” She recalls, and that was when things started to spiral out of control within school. “They started to be more hostile towards me, as they had a more traditional mindset towards the idea.”
Fueled by peer pressure and traditional mindsets, Atiqa began to face ostracisation from her peers in class, who excluded her from group work and rated her badly during routine evaluations. In the online realm, she also became the target of insulting and degrading posts shaming her for her pregnancy.
She confided in her friends and her boyfriend but the obstacles that were being sent her way were almost too much to face. “There were times when I wanted to commit suicide.” She said, remembering the hardships she had faced as a result of the stigma from almost everyone around her.
During that desperate time, her boyfriend was her anchor that kept her going, along with friends she had broken the news to.
The Birth Certificate
Atiqa gave birth to her baby son at the end of her semester at polytechnic, dropping out of school some time before.
Her boyfriend, who tried to remain by her side as much as possible, was prevented from seeing his newborn son as he was delivered, and seeing any pictures of him. She was also forced to declare that she was a single mother on her son’s birth certificate, with no trace of her son’s father’s name in sight.
Despite all the odds stacked up against her, she would meet with him in secret to seek comfort with him, and show pictures of their baby together.
After enough time, she pressed on and took matters into her own hands, teaching her own son his first word “Mummy”, and made sure he knew that that word referred to her, and her only, but soon enough her mother found out and put a halt to what she was doing.
However, Atiqa’s troubles had just begun.
Most parents ashamed of their daughters who’ve become teen mothers, have taken drastic actions to prevent their family from gaining a bad reputation in the eyes of others around them. Some pressure their daughters to go for an abortion or give up the child for adoption, but Atiqa’s parents have gone so far ahead – to try and change the child’s paperwork.
“Recently, I found a photocopy of my child’s birth certificate that had my parents’ names instead of my own on it.” She says. However, she thinks that they have simply created doctored their own photocopy to show to others to “prove” that her son is their child and that it is not legally approved.
Although her struggles have often pushed her to a breaking point, it doesn’t stop her from caring for her son like any mother would. Unlike your everyday mum, however, she’s continuously denied the right to call her child her own.
Back at school now, Atiqa spends two hours of her spare time after school, but dedicates the rest to caring and raising her baby son.
According to her, her younger siblings still have no clue that her son is actually their nephew.
“They definitely want to save face and they keep saying it’s for my own good, but it’s really for theirs.” She says of the circumstances she is being pressured under.
Hope For The Future?
According to an article published by The Straits Times in 2016, the number of teen pregnancies is at a 25 year low, as teenagers are now more savvy about using contraceptives.
While Singapore remains one of the top countries to be a mother in Asia according to a Straits Times article released in 2015, the stigma against teen mothers remains prevalent in mostly conservative Singapore.
“It could be that people are more informed about protection, but they could also be underreported, where there are girls who get pregnant, but choose to go overseas to terminate the pregnancy out of fear of judgement.” Ms Azra Haiyu, a Case Work Supervisor at Babes Pregnancy Crisis Support Limited (Babes), an organisation centered around helping teenage girls in a pregnancy crisis, says.
According to her, what teen mothers need the most is acceptance. “They have made a mistake, but they shouldn’t be punished forever. Having a baby is not easy, it is for them to go through on their own. the best you can do is support their journey, not judge them or punish them.” Haiyu advises.
Organisations like Babes reach out to teenagers by holding forums and talks to combat the stigma against teen mums, and have a 24-hour hotline and online chat for teen mothers in need of help. However, according to a Today article published in 2015, less than 2% of youth know of such support avenues for pregnant teens.
When it comes to Atiqa’s case, Haiyu assures that the document is likely fake as the only way a birth certificate can be changed is through adoption, and adoption cannot occur between relatives. She can also attest that it’s definitely illegal to falsify documents such as birth certificates and ICs and hopes Atiqa’s parents will eventually come around to accept her and not make her situation any harder for her as it is.
If you are a pregnant teenager, or know one who needs assistance, please contact Babes, a non-profit organisation based in Singapore that provides support for teenagers going through unplanned pregnancies. Call the Babes 24-hour hotline at 8111 3535, or send them a message via their online form on their website here.
Subscribe to CNA Insider at https://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/cnainsider
*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.
Comments